D50 Watches Crap You’ve Never Heard Of: The Forsaken

The critic blurb on the front of the VHS cover of The Forsaken reads “Terrifying! The sexiest vampire movie since ‘The Lost Boys’!”  Having never watched The Lost Boys, I can’t say much about that except perhaps there haven’t been any sexy vampire movies between 1987 and 2001.  I find that hard to believe.

Is there any further meaning to this title?  Nope.  Just a generic vampire title.

Is there any further meaning to this title? Nope. Just a generic vampire title.

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D50 Watches Crap You’ve Never Heard Of: Boa

AKA New Alcatraz.

First off, holy crap.  The last time I did a CYNHO was April 2014, meaning it’s been almost a full year since my last one.

Boa (originally named New Alcatraz because… some fucker thought people might give a damn about the prison setting) is a direct-to-video movie starring Dean Cain.  It was made fresh off the heels of made-for-TV movie Python, hoping to capitalize on its… success?

I was just going to scan the VHS cover I had, but then I saw this Turkish DVD cover.  I can't top that.  I just can't.

I was just going to scan the VHS cover I had, but then I saw this Turkish DVD cover. I can’t top that. I just can’t.

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: Jill the Ripper

I apologize for how late this review is.  I had a busy weekend, and I needed to put a little extra effort into making the video I’m closing this with.

Wonderful title card.  We know exactly what to expect.

Wonderful title card. We know exactly what to expect.

I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting out of Jill the Ripper.  The idea of a movie starring Dolph Lundgren going anywhere near the topic of S&M should have elicited some pretty awful images in my mind, thus preparing me for them.  I failed to make the connection early enough, so I was not quite ready.  Not quite ready at all.

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: Captain America II – Death Too Soon.

First of all, I would like to reassure you that I will be doing a review of Jill the Ripper starring Dolph Lundgren this weekend.  I actually watched it first, but the potential timing for THIS review couldn’t possibly be better.

For the longest time, Captain America was thought of as kind of a joke.  Among other comic superheroes, he was always pretty weak in comparison, with nothing more than a shield to set him apart.  This movie does nothing to change that image.

I was surprised to learn that this was NOT a crappy sequel to the 1990 Captain America movie.  It was a crappy sequel to an even earlier Captain America movie that I never watched.  I can’t imagine I’m missing much.

And FYI, the period in the title is supposed to be there.  This is Captain America II – Death Too Soon.

NES Mega Man has nothing on this.

NES Mega Man has nothing on this.

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: Detonator II – Night Watch

Dat everything.

Dat everything.

When I saw this at the Rasputin’s in Fairfield, I knew I just had to get it.  You have that cheesy scope replacing the O in Detonator, the title being overlaid with a generic explosion, that tagline that’s an obvious reference to James Bond, and Pierce Brosnan looking like he got his facial hair cues from Zeb Colter.  In fact, let’s put up a pic of Zeb Colter in case you don’t watch much wrestling:

I’m fairly certain Zeb is just a vessel to move the moustache around.

And can you believe this isn’t even the most hilarious-sounding video I picked up that day?  That would be Jill The Ripper, starring Dolph Lundgren.

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: Virtual Assassin

Every now and then, someone goes out of their way to make the next Blade Runner, because… they hate people, and electronics are not to be trusted.

Yeah, that’s about as good an intro as any for this.  Here’s Virtual Assassin.

Because the more accurate title of "Hammy Terrorist" wasn't nearly as appealing.

Because the more accurate title of “Hammy Terrorist” wasn’t nearly as appealing.

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: Wild Grizzly

Dwah?  Another one so soon?

Believe it or not, this is the last tape in my pile… because every other tape left in my queue has a block preventing my tuner from capturing it.  Except maybe Robo Formers.  That one’s just plain old.  Oh wait, there’s still Captain America II.  I guess there’s that.

Not a nature documentary.  Though it comes close.

Not a nature documentary. Though it comes close.

From what I could gather, this was actually a made-for-TV movie.  I wonder what network would be stupid enough to actually order this.  I’m literally at a loss for who the target audience for this movie is.

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: To Kill With Intrigue

I almost didn’t get around to this because I thought it was another “disqualified” tape.  As it turns out, the problem was with the connection between my VCR and the tuner.  And also because of how terrible the quality of the actual tape was.

Well, at least it gives fair warning.

Well, at least it gives fair warning.

Yeah, that certainly couldn’t have helped.

Anyway, despite being headed by someone actually famous, this makes the “Crap You’ve Never Heard Of” section because I’m willing to bet you’ve never heard of it, much less watched it.  And so, my review of the 1977 film…

I'm intrigued.  Ah, crap...

I’m intrigued. Ah, crap…

 

Hoo boy...

Hoo boy…

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: Flesh Hunters

It’s been a long time since I touched on live-action, but I just couldn’t help it.  When I saw this on the racks at The Beat, I knew I was in for something special.

After looking at the previews before the movie, I can only come to the conclusion that the film makers, Dead Alive Productions, are the most brilliant people in the universe.  They seem to have struck an amazing balance that makes them the perfect B-movie makers ever.  Spectacularly low-budget, bad in every aspect of film, and takes the project seriously enough that you can’t mistake it for being a parody.

And so I reveal to you the piece of crap known only as…

Probably the best effects in the entire movie.

Probably the best effects in the entire movie.

Flesh Hunters.

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