D50 Watches Crap You’ve Never Heard Of: The Forsaken

The critic blurb on the front of the VHS cover of The Forsaken reads “Terrifying! The sexiest vampire movie since ‘The Lost Boys’!”  Having never watched The Lost Boys, I can’t say much about that except perhaps there haven’t been any sexy vampire movies between 1987 and 2001.  I find that hard to believe.

Is there any further meaning to this title?  Nope.  Just a generic vampire title.

Is there any further meaning to this title? Nope. Just a generic vampire title.

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D50 Watches Crap You’ve Never Heard Of: Boa

AKA New Alcatraz.

First off, holy crap.  The last time I did a CYNHO was April 2014, meaning it’s been almost a full year since my last one.

Boa (originally named New Alcatraz because… some fucker thought people might give a damn about the prison setting) is a direct-to-video movie starring Dean Cain.  It was made fresh off the heels of made-for-TV movie Python, hoping to capitalize on its… success?

I was just going to scan the VHS cover I had, but then I saw this Turkish DVD cover.  I can't top that.  I just can't.

I was just going to scan the VHS cover I had, but then I saw this Turkish DVD cover. I can’t top that. I just can’t.

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: To Kill With Intrigue

I almost didn’t get around to this because I thought it was another “disqualified” tape.  As it turns out, the problem was with the connection between my VCR and the tuner.  And also because of how terrible the quality of the actual tape was.

Well, at least it gives fair warning.

Well, at least it gives fair warning.

Yeah, that certainly couldn’t have helped.

Anyway, despite being headed by someone actually famous, this makes the “Crap You’ve Never Heard Of” section because I’m willing to bet you’ve never heard of it, much less watched it.  And so, my review of the 1977 film…

I'm intrigued.  Ah, crap...

I’m intrigued. Ah, crap…

 

Hoo boy...

Hoo boy…

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: Flesh Hunters

It’s been a long time since I touched on live-action, but I just couldn’t help it.  When I saw this on the racks at The Beat, I knew I was in for something special.

After looking at the previews before the movie, I can only come to the conclusion that the film makers, Dead Alive Productions, are the most brilliant people in the universe.  They seem to have struck an amazing balance that makes them the perfect B-movie makers ever.  Spectacularly low-budget, bad in every aspect of film, and takes the project seriously enough that you can’t mistake it for being a parody.

And so I reveal to you the piece of crap known only as…

Probably the best effects in the entire movie.

Probably the best effects in the entire movie.

Flesh Hunters.

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D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: Tough Ninja the Shadow Warrior

It's like bad NES cover art done in the style of Mexican movie posters.

Well, I was originally going to be posting some obscure anime reviews, but I just came back from Rasputin’s and bought me a couple of B-movies that sounded hilariously bad, and I just had to share.

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