D50 watches crap you’ve never heard of: Detonator II – Night Watch

Dat everything.

Dat everything.

When I saw this at the Rasputin’s in Fairfield, I knew I just had to get it.  You have that cheesy scope replacing the O in Detonator, the title being overlaid with a generic explosion, that tagline that’s an obvious reference to James Bond, and Pierce Brosnan looking like he got his facial hair cues from Zeb Colter.  In fact, let’s put up a pic of Zeb Colter in case you don’t watch much wrestling:

I’m fairly certain Zeb is just a vessel to move the moustache around.

And can you believe this isn’t even the most hilarious-sounding video I picked up that day?  That would be Jill The Ripper, starring Dolph Lundgren.

We begin the flick with what appears to be the climax to a different action movie.  I rewind just to be sure.  Yep, this is the start of the film.

We’re told the setting is “North Africa.”  Really.  Couldn’t possibly be any more specific.  Pierce Bros- Sorry, James Bo- Sorry, *ahem* MIKE GRAHAM and I guess his partner, Luke, are escorting some children to an escape raft while being shot at by this guy:

I really wish we got to know the story behind THIS guy.

I really wish we got to know the story behind THIS guy.

Notably, neither the guy shooting at them nor any of the children are African or otherwise Middle Eastern.  All white.  Did this really need to be set in North Africa?

Anyway, Luke doesn’t quite make it to the raft, apparently succumbing to spontaneous Kool-Aid dispensing.

Damn you, Kool-Aid!

Damn you, Kool-Aid!

Well… sucks for Luke.

While I’m tenuously on the subject, I just want to note that last night I had a dream.  Apparently, I’d been watching so many of these kind of movies that my subconscious can craft them.  I dreamt of a Harrison Ford film that started off with him as a kid living in an island and dreaming of exploring the world.  Then the next ten minutes is boring narration and text moving so fast you can’t possibly read it all.  Then flash forward to Harrison Ford eating dish after dish of delicious food.  I start to wonder if this film was just an excuse to have Harrison Ford pig out on exotic dishes.  Then flash forward and the movie seems to have turned into a Star Wars sequel in which Han Solo is sitting with Leia, and Leia is telling Han to watch his blood pressure.  That’s about as much as I can remember about the subject, so let’s return to Night Watch.

The setting changes to Hong Kong, where some white dude is explaining that “one phone call” can carry a lot of power, such as when deals are being brokered, or… in the more literal sense, by remotely blowing phones up somehow.  Yeeeah, he’s got some kind of superweapon that can blow up phones.  And he’s trying to sell this technology off to this guy:

NOT Sang from Rush Hour.

NOT Sang from Rush Hour.

Because licking a chocolate ice cream cone is the most badass way to introduce your film’s villain.  Actually, I’m not entirely sure if I’m being sarcastic or dead serious when I say that.  Also, I’ve got a hankerin’ for some ice cream.

MEANWHILE, the film has NOT turned into Ghostbusters 2.

This dot is not a river of slime.  It is just a dot.

This dot is not a river of slime. It is just a dot.

An examination of Rembrandt’s Night Watch reveals that it could be a fake.  Because one dot is the wrong color.  And just to confirm, this art dealer pulls out his handy dandy X-Ray machine and sees that there is a different painting underneath, proving that it’s a forgery.

I don't think that is how X-Rays work.

I don’t think that is how X-Rays work.

Meanwhile, Michael Graham (Pierce Brosnan, remember?) is undergoing some kind of counseling to get over the death of Luke, until he gets pulled away to do some field work.  Just investigating the theft of a painting, no big deal.  Oh, and he gets reunited with some chick who is apparently his love interest from the first film, but they didn’t resolve whatever sexual tension they had in that film, which is ludicrous.

Actually, from this angle he looks a bit like Tom Selleck.

Actually, from this angle he looks a bit like Tom Selleck.

So, Mike goes to investigate the potential scene of the crime and immediately spots a suspicious slut and goes after her.  He then enters a houseboat that she lives in, despite the fact that she never enters it, leading him to believe that it is in fact her houseboat.  He might as well have just barged into any random houseboat.  Shortly into his investigation, he gets into an altercation with a ridiculously roided up meathead.

No, Dolph Lundgren!  Your movie is next week!  NEXT WEEK!

No, Dolph Lundgren! Your movie is next week! NEXT WEEK!

One rather silly fight later and the meathead is taken in for questioning.  But they can’t hold him due to a lack of evidence.

Later, Mike returns to the houseboat and meets the slutty-looking chick.  Yep, she’s been beaten.  Because… roids, I guess.

It's funny because we're expected to care.

It’s funny because we’re expected to care.

Mike takes her to a hospital, and for the first time, we are introduced to his smartwatch.

Night Watch: The crime-solving watch!

Night Watch: The crime-solving watch!

The chick comes back and is pissed at Mike for trying to help.  Mike tells her that the big guy just got arrested for assault and is in questioning yet again.  And she’s even more pissed.  No spy sex for you, Mike.

Meanwhile, why-is-this-girl-the-romantic-interest (er… Sabrina) tracks down another lead and gets into one of the worst chase scenes I’ve ever seen.  It doesn’t help that during the whole ordeal, she’s wearing these awful vertically striped pants that make her look like she towers over everyone else around her.

Those distractingly awful pants.

Those distractingly awful pants.

Eventually, the guy hijacks a boat and tries to lose her, but then she hijacks a bike and catches up because… I guess bikes are faster than boats.  She boards the boat and one of the worst fight scenes happens.  Then, shortly after subduing him, the boat heads towards this:

Wait, what the hell even is this?  Is it a trash barge?

Wait, what the hell even is this? Is it a trash barge?

The boat collides with the rear of the other boat… and by collide I mean gently tap… and this happens:

What, was the FRAME built out of GUNPOWDER?

What, was the FRAME built out of GUNPOWDER?

Back to Mike watching the interrogation on the meathead.  This time, the slutty chick overhears the big guy saying he doesn’t care about what happens to her, so she decides to sell him up the river and fess up that they did have the painting and had it sent to Hong Kong.  FINALLY!

Mike and Sabrina check into a hotel under the cover that they’re newlyweds on their honeymoon.  Well, this should be fun.  Almost immediately, they mark the suspicious white guy and IMMEDIATELY make themselves known by engaging in some high-stakes gambling.

Poker?  Nope.  Baccarat?  Can’t be TOO blatant, can we?  Blackjack? It’s Blackjack.  Mike bets a quarter million on one hand and, in a pointlessly tense draw, picks up 6 cards under 21, doubling his winnings (an even 1 million) and impressing the suspicious guy (who also happens to own the casino).  This is starting to look more and more like Rush Hour 2, just saying.

Mike and Sabrina celebrate their success by going to their new hotel room.  Mike immediately suggests their place might be bugged and should talk like a real couple while they sweep the room.  This results in probably the only entertaining part of the film as Mike playfully undresses and expects to have to take their cover story all the way, while Sabrina… doesn’t.

I don't know why, but I find socks inherently funny.

I don’t know why, but I find socks inherently funny.

So, the two continue their investigation and meet up with their contact, Myra, who also just happens to be obviously sexier than Sabrina AND interested in Mike, so we know she isn’t lasting very long.

Mike poses as a tourist and follows NotSang, then just so happens to record him murdering a tech guy and stealing a device.

Funny how he managed that with no lens.

Funny how he managed that with no lens.

Mike and Sabrina follow up by going to a party held by the suspicious rich white guy.  While Sabrina keeps him busy and takes a look at his art collection, Mike heads to the restroom, exits out the window, scales a wall, and… Wait wait wait… This sounds entirely too much like Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

Well, he scales a wall, gets into a vent, and plants a hidden camera that discovers two things: One, that he does indeed have the real Night Watch, and Two, that he also has something else planned, and it has something to do with launching something into space.

Mike makes his way back and fakes having a stomach bug to explain why he’s been on the toilet for so long and, for some reason, sweaty.

Myra stalls NotSang by pretending to be drunk and asks him to get her another champagne.  Smooth operator that he is, he tells Myra that she must be so drunk she won’t remember tomorrow that he said he would like to kiss his breasts until dawn.  1. That’s creepy.  2. She barely has any breasts.  3. I don’t disagree.

Anyway, all three manage to get what they came for, but NotSang spots Myra stealing a champagne glass.  He brushes it off at first, but realizes that it has his fingerprints and goes after her.

Myra realizes she’s being followed and runs to the nearest payphone to call for backup.  But then she gets killed in the most inappropriately hilarious way.

If only she had Michael's smartwatch.

If only she had Michael’s smartwatch.

This just happened.

This just happened.

Fun fact: NotSang had to LEAVE a car due to traffic and chase her on foot.  After she gets run over, he looks just as shocked as anyone.  I choose to believe she was actually killed by a drunk driver completely unrelated to the plot.

NotSang decides to hijack the entire operation and bitchslaps the rich white guy before threatening to burn all his paintings if he doesn’t give up the launch code.  And to prove he isn’t bluffing, he lights a priceless work of art on fire.

This was just uncomfortable all around.

This was just uncomfortable all around.

So he gets the launch code, then has the rich white guy tied up and a timed bundle of dynamite placed on his chest.  Seriously.  A bundle of dynamite.  With a timer strapped to it.

It's hard to come across anything this cartoonish even in kids movies.

It’s hard to come across anything this cartoonish even in kids movies.

Mike and Sabrina have by now long ditched their covers and start storming in to kick ass and save the world, guns ablazing.  Surprisingly, it’s at this point in the movie that I completely stop paying attention to what’s going on.

So, there’s some shooting going on, some explosions, I totally miss what happens to NotSang, but the launch is prevented, and the Night Watch is back in a museum where it rightfully belongs.

Am I the only one who thinks this movie could have been BETTER if it were actually only about a painting theft and not some satellite phone-bomber?

Am I the only one who thinks this movie could have been BETTER if it were actually only about a painting theft and not some satellite phone-bomber?

Yeah, so that’s Detonator II – Night Watch.  I was kind of hoping “Night Watch” would refer to, well, anything other than a painting.  But I will say that it was rather easy to follow considering I never watched the original Detonator, which DOES NOT have a moustachioed Pierce Brosnan.  But look at what it DOES have:

 

GIMMEGIMMEGIMME

GIMMEGIMMEGIMME

Well that does it for this week’s CYNHO.  I’ll try to get to an anime review during the weekend.  What’s it going to be of?

It's about ninjas on another planet, in the future.

It’s about ninjas on another planet, in the future.

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